Its been over 18 months since I last posted a blog. First apologies are in order. It's been a hard year. I think I stopped because I became occupied with life, as we all do. What happened Feb of last year my mom decided to serve a mission for our church. Long story short me along with a lot of other wonderful people were working hard to make that happen and in July she left for 18 months and will be returning in Jan. 2013.
Well in this last year both my children hit there teens. I've had the worse FLARE-UP'S. I got so bad this last year that I had to start using a cane to walk. I sure hit an all time low. I went to a local specialist(arthritis) no help there. Finally went to Stanford University pain clinic, they referred me to a local clinic to be a part of a group testing a trial drug. It said to cut pain by 60%. We shall see????????? Now just waiting to see my insurance will cover. I started to see a therapist(Shrink). That has helped me immensely. My family Doc. changed or upped my medications. Truthfully this has been my first full 5 days where I am in reasonably in good shape.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Friday, March 18, 2011
Beating Myself
Oh this is a tough one to write. I have realized something that I have been doing to myself making my situation worse, making my suffering harder. What am I talking about......
Let me start at the beginning. I have always been my own worse critic, the one to beats myself up when I make a mistake or forget to do something. I think stupid stupid stupid. I should haves all day long. I don't make mistakes... I can't make mistakes! How unrealistic does that sound? VERY! I didn't even realize I was doing that and how crazy it all was to expect nothing but perfection. So................
When I began to have symptoms and all the things I used to do to be that Super Mom had to be put to the side. I began the beating. I had nothing but time to think. I would think I was inadequate. I was not good enough to be valued or loved because I wasn't doing my part. In a sense pulling my weight.
I have been stricken with something that can't be explained and continues to remind me of it's presence. I have made it worse the illness has been hitting me physically but I have been hitting myself psychotically and emotionally. This is not my fault. This is not a sin. I am not making a mistake. It just happened.
OK! IT IS OK! I AM OK! I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. It is time to reteach my mind. I am perfect the way I am. I do what I can...as much as I can & that is OK...that is down right fabulous. I will learn that the positive is the best medicine. The most important thing I will relearn is the love that my Lord Jesus Christ has for me....he WILL make up the rest.
Let me start at the beginning. I have always been my own worse critic, the one to beats myself up when I make a mistake or forget to do something. I think stupid stupid stupid. I should haves all day long. I don't make mistakes... I can't make mistakes! How unrealistic does that sound? VERY! I didn't even realize I was doing that and how crazy it all was to expect nothing but perfection. So................
When I began to have symptoms and all the things I used to do to be that Super Mom had to be put to the side. I began the beating. I had nothing but time to think. I would think I was inadequate. I was not good enough to be valued or loved because I wasn't doing my part. In a sense pulling my weight.
I have been stricken with something that can't be explained and continues to remind me of it's presence. I have made it worse the illness has been hitting me physically but I have been hitting myself psychotically and emotionally. This is not my fault. This is not a sin. I am not making a mistake. It just happened.
OK! IT IS OK! I AM OK! I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. It is time to reteach my mind. I am perfect the way I am. I do what I can...as much as I can & that is OK...that is down right fabulous. I will learn that the positive is the best medicine. The most important thing I will relearn is the love that my Lord Jesus Christ has for me....he WILL make up the rest.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Hidee Ho
Well it has been over a month 1/2 dealing with this and forgetting to share this with you. Like I have a lot of followers but hey....I don't think I want to continue this blog. I say this with a light headed head and with the unwillingness to stop. It doesn't matter how many followers I have It matters what I have to share. It helps me and the few that do follow me.
I have seen my doctor, gone through colds, infections, stomach flu's. Stress in home and my many different relationships. I found some new fibro herb caps at my local health food store called Joint Health. I have also started seeing a chiropractor and he has given me so many types of whole food herbal supplements for my different symptoms like fatigue, heart burn, anxiety, energy and sleep aids. I still take the Savella but my Dr. upped the dosage. I am also taking the Xanax and the Doc changed my Vicodine to Norco. In time I hope to cut back on the last two.. I literally have a box of meds and herbals. I had to buy a new pill organizer to fit all of it....but sometimes I still forget or take part of it and not the other cuz something distracts me and I thought I took it. Then I am wondering later what happened.
Guess what its working. Believe it or not but there is one thing. I developed a new symtoms dizziness, light-headed with a touch of Vertigo. So even though the pain and even the fatigue is better I am still bed ridden at time....OK most times because of this. The Doc thinks its allergies and I am getting inner ear fluid built up. She gave me predisone. Which doesn't really help. I am also having these terrible headache(Migraines) These are new but their frequency has increased.
So all the while life goes on. Kids get sick, house needs my attention, Hubby helps and I'm not appreciating that enough. I also have a calling(job) in my church working with the youth....This as well has become very demanding the computer calendars and flyer's is not my only duties and it seams more is being asked of me....Which I don't mind cuz I truly believe in serving my fellow man. I help myself and my self-esteem and its not not more than usual but I am feeling so very overwhelmed with it....I want to just quit but if I do that I would let my Young Women down....I truly love these girls and want nothing but to be with them but here I am with this feeling of feeling so completely and totally overwhelmed by all the activities I am not even in charge.... So here it comes the inevitable GUILT!!! The "I FEEL WORTHLESS CUZ I CAN'T DO 100%" thing. The " I AM A FAILURE"
Why do I do that. I don't know but I do! This world ask so much of us that we feel so inadequate and for us Fibro Suffers... we are failures. This is a tough world. Most don't believe us and so we are not just failure but lazy, crazy failures. LOL. That Sounds so silly and ridicules because I know I am not but just the fact that someone out there sees me that way makes it all go away and we focus on that one person who thinks the worse of us. I don't think it is not just Fibro suffers but all young girls especially all people who have experience some sort of abuse too. Boy I could go on and on. The question is what do we do about it. Well most just need a pep talk from friends, moms, dads or grandma but for us, Fibro suffers .....I'm sorry...I don't want to offend but we need professional help. I have decided that this is my next step. I need to find someone to help me deal. If you don't think that you need that or it would be a blow to our fight for recognition...I don't feel it would be. I know some of our opposers may say we are just a bunch of depressed people and we need to get over it. What I do know is what ever ignites this for us is not what matter but dealing with constant pain can mess with any ones head. We need to work through it.
I think most already might know this and I have known this but I have been fighting it. This I must give in and get my head straight. Here's to my next step. I pray I am led to the right person for me.
I have seen my doctor, gone through colds, infections, stomach flu's. Stress in home and my many different relationships. I found some new fibro herb caps at my local health food store called Joint Health. I have also started seeing a chiropractor and he has given me so many types of whole food herbal supplements for my different symptoms like fatigue, heart burn, anxiety, energy and sleep aids. I still take the Savella but my Dr. upped the dosage. I am also taking the Xanax and the Doc changed my Vicodine to Norco. In time I hope to cut back on the last two.. I literally have a box of meds and herbals. I had to buy a new pill organizer to fit all of it....but sometimes I still forget or take part of it and not the other cuz something distracts me and I thought I took it. Then I am wondering later what happened.
Guess what its working. Believe it or not but there is one thing. I developed a new symtoms dizziness, light-headed with a touch of Vertigo. So even though the pain and even the fatigue is better I am still bed ridden at time....OK most times because of this. The Doc thinks its allergies and I am getting inner ear fluid built up. She gave me predisone. Which doesn't really help. I am also having these terrible headache(Migraines) These are new but their frequency has increased.
So all the while life goes on. Kids get sick, house needs my attention, Hubby helps and I'm not appreciating that enough. I also have a calling(job) in my church working with the youth....This as well has become very demanding the computer calendars and flyer's is not my only duties and it seams more is being asked of me....Which I don't mind cuz I truly believe in serving my fellow man. I help myself and my self-esteem and its not not more than usual but I am feeling so very overwhelmed with it....I want to just quit but if I do that I would let my Young Women down....I truly love these girls and want nothing but to be with them but here I am with this feeling of feeling so completely and totally overwhelmed by all the activities I am not even in charge.... So here it comes the inevitable GUILT!!! The "I FEEL WORTHLESS CUZ I CAN'T DO 100%" thing. The " I AM A FAILURE"
Why do I do that. I don't know but I do! This world ask so much of us that we feel so inadequate and for us Fibro Suffers... we are failures. This is a tough world. Most don't believe us and so we are not just failure but lazy, crazy failures. LOL. That Sounds so silly and ridicules because I know I am not but just the fact that someone out there sees me that way makes it all go away and we focus on that one person who thinks the worse of us. I don't think it is not just Fibro suffers but all young girls especially all people who have experience some sort of abuse too. Boy I could go on and on. The question is what do we do about it. Well most just need a pep talk from friends, moms, dads or grandma but for us, Fibro suffers .....I'm sorry...I don't want to offend but we need professional help. I have decided that this is my next step. I need to find someone to help me deal. If you don't think that you need that or it would be a blow to our fight for recognition...I don't feel it would be. I know some of our opposers may say we are just a bunch of depressed people and we need to get over it. What I do know is what ever ignites this for us is not what matter but dealing with constant pain can mess with any ones head. We need to work through it.
I think most already might know this and I have known this but I have been fighting it. This I must give in and get my head straight. Here's to my next step. I pray I am led to the right person for me.
Friday, December 31, 2010
I special thought from a fellow sufferer
Your face is burned n my mind... Ur deep voice plays over n my ear... How badly I wished I was n ur arms... With my head resting on ur chest to hear ur heart beat... Holding hands n dancing to music we humm together... Your my Teddybear n no matter if we end up together or not....
I found this to be touching and a wonderful source of comfort. Beverly I hope you don't mind sharing your beautiful thought.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
My battle today
I have been loosing weight. This is all due to a new med called Savella and diet and exercising.(which I found helps) I have lost 50 lbs. Yes I am not ashamed to say I was a 5ft woman who was 215 lbs. I am now 165 and have 30 to go to be at a healthy weight. Well with my heart scare and coming down of meds the gym was not going to happen, not right away at least and Christmas...Well sure a couple pounds crept in. So I got up this morning waited for meds to kick in and went to the gym. I did some weights and walked on the treadmill with an 3incline at 2mph. My heart rate stayed at a good level. The doc said keep in the 130's to 135 range which I did. I felt great stretching those little legs of mine. I got home little fleggles but none to be worried about and with this surge of energy I cleaned my bathroom and got the kids doing there chores...if they hoped to see the light of day.
Here is where I might have regretted it. I take a shower and pain comes in like a tsunami. Where is the icy-hot, heating pad and my bed. Luckily my husband took kids to see a movie and shopping. so I got a nap in. So I feel well rested but the pain will not cease. I think I tried and epically failed...,this is my negative side but...by positive side says at least you got into that gym and that bathroom will no longer gross you out. I'm going back tomorrow and the next and the next I have too. I want to get healthy again. You know I used to care what my body looked like but after 2 kids scores of surgeries. The positive thing to do is not look at that but work on my inside. My self esteem and self worth....I need to ask myself how do I look in those areas. Lately not so good. I've made mistakes and am paying for them but I know if I try things will work out..
My fellow sufferers lets not give up. We can't let this take our lives over even though it has in a lot of ways but lets grab a hold of what we can and run with it. Try Try Try is all I ask and If you are a spiritual person...It is all your Heavenly Father asks of you. Keep your faith alive if not with a higher authority but keep Faith in yourself.
Here is where I might have regretted it. I take a shower and pain comes in like a tsunami. Where is the icy-hot, heating pad and my bed. Luckily my husband took kids to see a movie and shopping. so I got a nap in. So I feel well rested but the pain will not cease. I think I tried and epically failed...,this is my negative side but...by positive side says at least you got into that gym and that bathroom will no longer gross you out. I'm going back tomorrow and the next and the next I have too. I want to get healthy again. You know I used to care what my body looked like but after 2 kids scores of surgeries. The positive thing to do is not look at that but work on my inside. My self esteem and self worth....I need to ask myself how do I look in those areas. Lately not so good. I've made mistakes and am paying for them but I know if I try things will work out..
My fellow sufferers lets not give up. We can't let this take our lives over even though it has in a lot of ways but lets grab a hold of what we can and run with it. Try Try Try is all I ask and If you are a spiritual person...It is all your Heavenly Father asks of you. Keep your faith alive if not with a higher authority but keep Faith in yourself.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Mon Feels Fleggle-Hammer: Hello
Mon Feels Fleggle-Hammer: Hello: "Just that Hello. Hello to my fellow sufferers. How are you all? I wonder if those that follow me want to voice there stories. I encourage to..."
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