I special thought from a fellow sufferer

Beverly Santana

Thougts of you

Your face is burned n my mind... Ur deep voice plays over n my ear... How badly I wished I was n ur arms... With my head resting on ur chest to hear ur heart beat... Holding hands n dancing to music we humm together... Your my Teddybear n no matter if we end up together or not....

 

 

I found this to be touching and a wonderful source of comfort. Beverly I hope you don't mind sharing your beautiful thought.

Symbols

My battle today

I have been loosing weight. This is all due to a new med called Savella and diet and exercising.(which I found helps) I have lost 50 lbs. Yes I am not ashamed to say I was a 5ft woman who was 215 lbs. I am now 165 and have 30 to go to be at a healthy weight. Well with my heart scare and coming down of meds the gym was not going to happen, not right away at least and Christmas...Well sure a couple pounds crept in.  So I got up this morning waited for meds to kick in and went to the gym. I did some weights and walked on the treadmill with an 3incline at 2mph. My heart rate stayed at a good level. The doc said keep in the 130's to 135 range which I did. I felt great stretching those little legs of mine. I got home little fleggles but none to be worried about and with this surge of energy I cleaned my bathroom and got the kids doing there chores...if they hoped to see the light of day.

Here is where I might have regretted it. I take a shower and pain comes in like a tsunami. Where is the icy-hot, heating pad and my bed. Luckily my husband took kids to see a movie and shopping. so I got a nap in. So I feel well rested but the pain will not cease. I think I tried and epically failed...,this is my negative side but...by positive side says at least you got into that gym and that bathroom will no longer gross you out. I'm going back tomorrow and the next and the next I have too. I want to get healthy again. You know I used to care what my body looked like but after 2 kids scores of surgeries. The positive thing to do is not look at that but work on my inside. My self esteem and self worth....I need to ask myself how do I look in those areas. Lately not so good. I've made mistakes and am paying for them but I know if I try things will work out..

My fellow sufferers lets not give up. We can't let this take our lives over even though it has in a lot of ways but lets grab a hold of what we can and run with it. Try Try Try is all I ask and If you are a spiritual person...It is all your Heavenly Father asks of you. Keep your faith alive if not with a higher authority but keep Faith in yourself.

Mon Feels Fleggle-Hammer: Hello

Mon Feels Fleggle-Hammer: Hello: "Just that Hello. Hello to my fellow sufferers. How are you all? I wonder if those that follow me want to voice there stories. I encourage to..."

Hello

Just that Hello. Hello to my fellow sufferers. How are you all? I wonder if those that follow me want to voice there stories. I encourage to share this site with sufferers you know. I feel like it is at a stand still. Lets revive it. We need all the support we can get!

Discover may work for you

Found a new herbal tea that helps relax. I have been having one cup in the afternoon and 1 before bed. Every day I sleep alittle longer. So I highly recommend it to relax or to take the edge of your nerves its called Linden Tea or Te de Tila for you spanish speakers. My mom has been trying to get me to try it for years. I'm glad I finally listened. Who knew but parents actually know a thing or two!

Wanted to share a bit of info that may work for you.

R We Crazy

Yes absolutely bonkers. No just kidding. The question is do we feel crazy every moment of everyday. We are giving a variety of pain meds, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, or some experimental fibro pill. Sure they help but not completely and not without side effects.   Do we have a choice to take them or not. Most of us don't some can handle it with a herbal avenue or some of us do a little a both we all need different amounts and needs. I haven't met one of us that are exactly the same.  This tells me that doctors are clueless and throwing darts just trying to hit the target. We adjust and re-adjust and all the while our body reacts. Recently I went through a scare.

As you know I took a semi herbal approach  and it had been working/helping but unfortunately I didn't plan for my immune system to go down. So first a got a cold then I got a stomach flu. This stomach flu ended me up in the E.R. passing out from dehydration. The doctors also notice a high heart rate. Well long story short my heart is fine but I was definitely being over medicated and 2 of my meds had serotonin in them which raised my heart rate. So Doctor decided I need to reduce one of them. I had too because in the long run I would really cause damage to my body. The avenue we took was reducing the anti-depressant and not the new fibro med. At first no noticeable changes. That's were you get tricked.  I thought I can handle this but slowly but surely I was slipping into a sense of loneliness and in a way I had a reason too but my reaction which came to a head today, I had no reason for. I blew up at a friend then proceeded to blow up at my husband saying things I know I shouldn't have said insensitive things while being in a very sensitive situation My poor husband didn't know how to take it. I didn't know how to take it.  So I prayed for clarity and realized the doctor told me that my body and emotions would react to the change but it was for the better. I wanted to get back to the gym.  The "A Ha" moment today.  My xanax had some delays mix ups with Dr.'s office and pharmacy(sound familiar to anybody) so with out me realizing it I had not taken 2 doses. So of course I blow up.  The messes this illness creates to us and our poor family and friends. It's no wonder we feel crazy a lot of the time.

So the answer is sure we are crazy but only the sane think they are insane. the insane have no clue that they truly r crazy.

Talk and laughing

Talking and Laughing could be the remedy for u. I know it is for me. I sat and had a wonderful conversation with with another fibro sufferer. She was going through a moment of relentlence pain. We chatted, made fun of our "decease" and got to know each other. I was wonderful she got her mind of the pain alittle. I just had a blast talking and sharings.

Meds Day 3&4

Well I had a cold. I thought it was going to be a duzy but I'm good today.  I remember turmeric was said to have healing properties in high doses, you know like a antibiotic. I guess that has turned out to be true. Between that and the cough syrup with codeine my husband got when he was sick, Well here I am, good as new. The pain is not as intense. I used to take 4 vidodine in a 24 hour period, every 6 hour. I would be watching the clock. The pain would start to show up around 4 hours and I would have to endure until hour 6 came along. Now I  am only taking 3 a day and hopefully will continue to taper off every week.

So did my experiment work??????  Yes and NO. I'm not as tired and pain is less with the turmeric and I found out that the St. Johns Wart wasn't going to be enough so I went back. It's OK. I think over all I just wanted the pain to lesson and a little more energy. So its working out well. So far. Well I just wanted to give everyone an update.

meds herbal days 1-2

I caught a cold and not feeling that great. Last night I had so much body ache that I wan't sure if it was the fibro or the cold. So I stopped the St. Johns Wart and started on the prozac and xanax again. I continued the Tumeric. I think it is working great and I am started to wean off the vicodine. I get an occasional pain but it goes and come fast and doesn't linger like before and become this ache that eminates. Tumeric seams to be a success so far. I going to relent and say that St. John Wart works for mild cases but  I'm not a mild case ....sooo I have to admit I need these for now. I going to continue the B12, crannberry, Savella, Tumeric, melatonin and vicodin until I can wean off.  I actual feel good given I have this cold but a cold I can handle "No Problem"

Meds-Trying Herbal

Ok so I had a pretty bad week. I thought will I every have relief....will I every have a moment of peace in my body. As I take the medications I take ....I thought they are not even working....why am even taking them and I started thinking what else can I try. I thought of different suggestions I had been given through the years and the only thing that came to me to do is going Herbal. I must say at the same time I thought "ya right...herbs so not going to work". I also remembered growing up, my parents went herbal all the time...So why not.

I looked on the Internet and  looked and looked and looked again. I don't know what I'm doing but hey than again neither do the doctors.LOL!  Ok realistically I can't just stop taking my meds. Ok what is working?? What is not working or can do without??

 I take "Savella" this is specific for fibro treatment and yes it has been working. Ok not ashamed but I take Prozac...its hard to have this and not get depressed. I also take Xanax because of sleepless nights but this ones known to be habit forming. Last but not least Vicodine because hey the pain its 24 /7,  but then doesn't always work.

Keeping the Savella, researched that St. Johns Wart is a anti-depressant. I've taken it before when it was that time of the month came along and it worked great so why not now. Prozac out! Melatonin (natural Sleep Aid) so xanax out I've weaned of  that. Last "Turmeric" according to all I've read its been found to help with immune health specifically the brain and since we have been told that fibro may be triggered by the brains misperception of pain and movement in the body...I looked further and found that is some cases has been used to help people suffering from fibro with there pain management. So started to wean off of Vicodine and taking this.

Am I crazy..... Maybe????!!!!  What do you think! Have you tried going herbal. Am I just setting myself up to run myself into a wall???? Don't Know! What I do know is what I'm doing now is not working. I'm either in pain cause that day they decided not to work or I'm out of it(Drowsy) because all the meds worked but all have the side effects of drowsiness.

I've gotta try to get myself back. I might fail, but then again I might not. I do know I will never give up. This is only day 1. Stay tuned for updates on how its going.

Trying..Why?

Trying when I probably shouldn't have. That is what I have been doing for the past 2 weeks. Halloween and everything that comes with that, getting some time to myself and getting to some of my housework. Well I'm paying for it now. I even flacked on my calling in church was suppose to help with a special event .....well I didn't even do an 1/8 of what I should have done. There is guilt with that because I left it all for my friend to do, but I showed up.

 Day 3 full of fleggle-hammer. Not only that but my husband is very sick, strep throat and possibly bronchitis. Today I woke up to my ears hurting and a sore throat. I think "What was I thinking. "  I knew this would happen but yet again I was wishing it wouldn't. I thought maybe not this time. I can do it ALL and be ok after. I can't stop living my life put it on hold for myself or my family.  Well here I am and it's on hold. My kids are older so they kinda have a life now or can easily take care of themselves. My son is gone at a boy scouting event and my daughter is here but she is ten she reads, watches tv, gets her own food, and can play games. She hasn't bothered me one bit.  My husband snoring next to me and I envy him. He is having a moment of rest. My son is having a good time, he will be going to a friends house after words and my girl she never complains and is perfectly content, she is a home body.

I just don't want to be in pain. I want to take this time and play a game with my daughter ...I want to tend to my husband better but I can't....even finish the laundry but I can't. My whole left side is on fire. I'm so tired........

Yes this is a bad day. Regret I have but as I  think about how can I regret the good time my kids have had. The little housework that got done. The time I took to visit a friend along with my getaway. I can not regret any of that. I am thankful for it.  

I want to say that this pain is my punishment but I did nothing wrong so that can't be right. All I did was try ....I try everyday to do the best, the most with what I have to deal with........ I'm just don't know how long I can keep going like this...

God is my stength he will when I have no more to give I have to believe that. He is all I have. Faith is a powerful thing. Just when I have no more he will help me to find that little more.

So why try. well for me its my God and my family .....Whats yours?

Funny Story

I can't believe what happen to me today. Doing the usually when my husband turns around and ask if I can get him a cough drop. He is sick. He's aloud. I actually don't mind taking care of him. So I move all my plans aside think what we are out of and what we need to make him better. I realized I have all these other errands to run as well cause I paid the bills yesterday and need to deliver or drop off some of them. Ok my work out at the gym is out. Then my husband says we need to go grocery shopping. Ok trying to make some cards is out. Oh my son hurt his knee yesterday. I need to delivery an icey hot sleeve to him at school before wrestling practice. Ok I wanted to try out drawing. (I found out how much I enjoyed face painting at the church event so thought...This might be a relaxing hobby ).....well thats out. Now mind you none of these things were important in the least so I was just bumbed about it. I get ready as if I am going to the gym hoping that after I am done maybe I can still at least go to the gym after. I write my list out and off I go, drop kids off, market, bank, wal-mart, pay a few bills and go refill our water jugs(the place was closed) standing and waiting for 10 minutes outside hoping they would show up but they didn't. So ditch water go home. I have melting things in my truck.

Ok here is the funny part. I go in to give my hubby some meds for his cold and he is going to work. He never misses. He would have to be dying to miss work anyways....... so ok I figured that. We talk for a bit then I get up to pick up in the bedroom. Joe stops me and starts laughing and says "um turn around, I say what do want to check out my nice butt, he says no but(pause as he looks at me)....he says I hate to tell you this but your pants are inside out!"  YES people I went all over this city with my pants inside out tag showing and everything.  Here the kicker usually I would have been dramatized. Thinking to know end who could have seen me or who could have been laughing behind my back.
BUT....I didn't care I laughed and fixed them. 

I thought why didn't I care and the answer is that although very funny but in comparison to the pain I endure on a daily bases was just that FUNNY and not worth getting upset over. Boy have I changed. I sit here. I didn't go to the gym because  just did too much...actually I have been doing to much all week. Yesterday I had the worst day of pain and fatigue that I have had in a long long time. Today thanks to myself for saying enough and not going to my meeting and mutual last night and opted to lay down and relax.  I was able to run my errand and take care of my husband. That is all that matter.

Although I think whats next no pants at all....ok ok maybe not but I wonder some time...after so many meds for so many years will it is start to affect my mental status. LOL. I doubt it !!!

NO MATTER....LIFE GOES ON

I have been contemplating what my next topic would be about and it finally came to me."No Matter... Life Goes" as we went through the many events for Halloween. I realized I couldn't stop it. I wanted too. I did, in all honesty because I knew I would end up in bed all day like I am today. Flegger-hammer never really going away and napping my day away, mean while my kids went to school, did their homework, and are now eating candy before dinner. Sure a normal day after Halloween. Life continues my participation isn't always there. They have dad home today though. He picked them up he is "kinda" making sure they are doing what they are suppose to be doing but not like I would.  I can't complain though... I really don't have any choice right now. Even typing this new post hurts right now. Yesterday I couldn't even sit through church completely because the pain was so intense then I and Sippy our YW prez, we went to visit the girls that don't show up on Sundays. We wanted to make sure they new we were still thinking of them and we care. It's true. I never thought serving in my church & people around me could be so rewarding. Sippy new I was in pain but I assured her that no matter where I would be, whether I was home or in a car with her. Just seeing these girls made it worth it. Life goes on. I spend the morning sleeping but I wasn't alone I was with my husband we spent the morning snuggled and peacefully sleeping. When we awoke and he new I didn't feel well today he already new it was all him.  Life wasn't going to stop just for me.  Oh and Saturday I got a call from our visiting teacher coordinator. She finds out if we visited our assigned women and wants to know how these women are doing.......Well I didn't do it........& I haven't for oooohhhhh 3 to 4 months. I understand that this is important and it's God's will it is on my priority list except I never get to it.  I became irritated with this person and I told her so. She had no idea why...she said at one point if I just had a little more faith.....Well that was it .... cause if anything else that is all I have. It's what keeps me going. I have had more faith and love for my Lord now than I have in my whole life so for her to say if I just had a little more, upset me.   Long story short she apologized, I realized I had to tell her what going on with me and so she is recommending that I not have this calling right now. Life goes on. These women need to be able to depend on me but I just can't right now, it is tooo much. Soo I agreed take me off and assign them to another person. Their lives go on.

I am figuring this out....OK sure I know this, the sun comes up, the day turns to night,  people live, people die,  people are capable of so much love but yet capable of horrible  horrific things. People also believe us and there are people that also don't.  Some people's lives are blessed again and again but some suffer tragedy at every turn. This world is not perfect wasn't meant to be. We must be tempted , tested , grow, make mistakes and succeed. It's why we are here. What are we made of? What are you made of? What am I made of? All the while lives and the days continue. 

Soo, can I stop the holidays from coming, stop the traditions we are accustomed too. Can i stop my kids from growing up, activities and dreams. All because it means more for me to do and means a sure fire day in bed from time to time. NOO! Life goes on. My kids need it. I need it. Otherwise I will shrivel up in this bed. Yes it's worth the occasional days in bed. It may always be this way or it may not. Dr's may figure this out and it will be a distant memory.

I am guilty of having so many regrets...of being so hard on myself for those days in pain or when I make mistakes. I hear my family, my friends say don't worry it's OK but I still feel bad. I know I'm to hard on myself. I know this is beyond my control but most importantly I am realizing something that everything happens for a reason. This will be what tests me. I will be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend and person because of this. I can already feel it. I have people mentioning the difference in me.  SO MY LIFE GOES ON! It may not be like most but it's whats right for me and my awesome family.  Do I want to be "normal". I  say naaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Life is more interesting this way.

This may be new for some of you readers or something you done and gone through but I encourage all to find your niche,  use your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Why do I say encourage this, yes you guessed it,  NO MATTER...LIFE GOES ON!

Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired

This blog inspired by a friend on facebook, Dianne! She mentioned how she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Boy, I thought how many times have I thought that, said that, felt that. Well.....every minute of every day.

Just yesterday, my family and I arrived home after a few days in Pismo Beach, CA. It was the best time we had as a family in a long time, we played board games, went to the movies(it was raining the 1st day). We went to the hotel pool, went on walks to on the beach, did some shopping, walked on the pier and of course bought some salt water taffy & ate claim chowder plus fish and chips. It was great. We even found a swing set on the beach and yes I was swinging with my kids. It was so much fun. It was freeing I felt young and full of life in that precious moment with my kids. 

It used to be it and the days would continue the same. You know having fun but it didn't for me. by the time we returned back to the hotel the second day...I was exhausted. I was in flegger-hammer mode and I couldn't stop shaking. My kids even got scared and worried for me. Oh here we go, I ruined a perfectly good day. I took a shower and layed down. Well before I knew it I was out(cause of the meds) I thought take a nap then go back for dinner and yogurt with my family but when my husband got me up. I couldn't get up. The pain had dulled but my energy was gone.  OK here comes the guilt. They went without me and the next day although still a little off I willed myself to get up and go on that last walk on the beach with my family before we left. I even drove us home half the way back but as soon as my husband took over I slept till we arrive home. I went to pick up my baby dog sissy from my sisters place and sat on the  recliner. I didn't last one minute before I was out. Besides the occasional awake moments I had. I slept and at some point got up and went to bed with out saying a word to my family.

Guilt City Baby. Here I am up 3 in the am and thinking how I have ruined things. There was a moment  yesterday where I was standing in the hotel looking at the floor and we packed to leave. My husband came up to me and hugged me and said thank you. I SAY for what I ruined everything. He asked how I did that. well I said by not joining you for dinner and the evening walk we had planned. He says " look you are here, me and the kids know you did alot and we are grateful for that. You smiled the entire time and to be together as a family was the most important thing. I say we had the best vacation and it was perfect".

My husband is my rock. I know that my Heavenly Father sent me this man for a reason. Most  would have walked away. Believe it or not .....some people just can't handle the extra load. He works all day long yet comes home and helps we when he can. I think do I deserve this guy? He so deserves better. but he is always quick to say there is no one better than you for me. I know awesome right to have such a person in my life is a total blessing.

I know for all of us suffering. This may not be the case. I consider my self one of the lucky ones, that has the support of my family. I think If this kindness and love doesn't come from your significant other than go out and find it. Demand it from this person you share your life with. It shouldn't be that hard for the other person to do for you. My husband didn't come to me wrapped up in a pretty bow this way. I had to help him to see what was happening with me. It took him caring for his mother, who died of lung cancer, to realize the compassion and love he had within himself to give.

We sure didn't ask for this to happen to us and if we could we would just shut it off, but we can't so do we sit and wallow or to we adapt and move forward. I encourage all to adapt and move forward. Yes we will feel guilt, despair and that longing for relief....days will be there that we lay there in despair. Well its what we do with it that matters.  Get that family support you know you need. Demand it. I had too.

I'll tell you why we need it for those days(sick & tired of being sick & tired). It OK we don't have to go at it alone. We can even get it from our fellow suffers but get it some where. It will make a deference trust me.

I DON'T KNOW

I can already feel that I'm off today. I know exactly why. I did to much yesterday. If I didn't do than who would. I've tried to be encouraging to everyone but today up at 5 am with Fleggle from my head to my toes. I think I don't know.....like what this day will be like. I didn't listen to my limitations and I certainly  don't know .....Meaning I know what I should do but does it work out that way. I've realized almost never.

From time to time what you should do like take it easy, know that some things will not get done and your family cooperates. That doesn't happen. Was I deluding myself?????? I don't think so...I think it nice to dream and sometimes dreams come true but in reality real life gets in the way. I'm a wife, mom and yes sufferer. Sometimes I want to give up just lay in bed and let my life pass me by but I can't. My husband and kids need me but most of all My Lord needs me. Yesterday happens where everything happened all at once.

We are going on vacation probably the only one till next summer and my daughter and son wined and just completely did not want to cooperate. I also had two things to go to last night and had to choose over the other. My house getting clean over came me. My husband works a schedule that doesn't allow him to see the kids soooo he managed to get 1 day off with his regular days off and says lets go somewhere. I miss you and the kids. How can I say no to that. There relationship with each other are so important. Then my kids.... They have gone through a lot in there lives, like loosing loved ones specifically they grandparents all but one my mom but the rest past away within 3 years time. They have coped and I know that they will over come but recently we had to make the heartbreaking decision to put down one of our pets. My daughter's cat "Jackson". He was only 2 1/2. He became ill suddenly and required hospitalization and still weren't sure that this condition would not return which means he would suffer and I am going to be honest the cost would be out of this world. We had the money now but no guarantee that he would be fine after this or that his problem wouldn't reoccur. So we put him down. We pulled them out of school and took them to the vets office to say good bye. I thought " How could I...I purposely cause my children pain. but my pour little kitty was suffering and I felt in my heart that he would not pull through. So they had a rough few days so, in order to keep life normal we made them go to school and attend anything that might come up friends, church or other wise. My daughter went to school pioneer day at the park she got all dressed up and for a moment I think she forgot. She is the type of person that doesn't want to talk about painful things. So if you happen to know her and see her please don't mention this she might not be ready to deal yet. My son just wanted to lock himself in his room and sulk. I let him for a little while even took both of them shopping for our beach trip. Then life had to continue. He had to write an essay. Yes I persisted and he got it done and he went to school the next day. Then made him go on a boy scout camp out. Then last night they both went with me to help at the fundraiser. They chose to go That one was theirs to decide. I was so proud. We help a fundraiser to help with our church humanitarian fund. Our young women and leaders had a babysitting night for couple to be able to have a night out and at the same time donate to a good cause. Well as it turned out only 2 families brought their kids and 2 girls showed up. Would I call it a success? Yes because even a little helps. Taking care of little ones is not easy and I had one who took to me. We had a moment where we went  to the nursery and i rocked her and sang wow that felt good to have this precious creature in my arms allowing me to console her. We spent the evening playing and she would look at me with confidence and love. Made my day. I think My Heavenly Father know us moms are stretched thin, these day and mom like us that also suffer from fleggle-hammer had an even tougher job.

OK venting time over. I'm not giving up. "I DON'T KNOW " what tomorrow will bring nobody does. Let make the best of it or at least try. I prey peace be with you always.

Love
Monica

CHILDREN

Fleggle-hammer and children. How can we juggle then at the same time..uuuuuuhhhhhhh I don't know! How do we ? How do you?

I think about my kids. They are my world what I wouldn't do for them or the question should be, what could I do for them that minute of that day. My children have had to grow up probably a little faster than most. You know learning how to do the basics like clean, laundry, food. They for the most part can do it all. I didn't want them growing up early. I sometimes hate myself for that. I had to grow up to early. Enjoy there childhood is what I wanted....They have gone through so mush in there lives....like loosing loved ones and having mom move them clear across the state only to move them back. They have had to hear "no we cannot afford that."  I want to give them the world and be there best friend. BBBUUUTTT would I be raising good , productive, honest, hard working and confident individuals with goals and dreams. People that will be able to take on that tough world.  I don't think so. I would have to say no regrets there. It's a bad bad world out there and most kids don't know work ethic or even how to take care of there basic needs.

Most people would probably think neglect or something along those lines but I will tell you something. Good or bad days...I am always there for them. Even if I'm laying in bed or on my recliner shifting around because I can't get comfortable, with things like Homework. I stop and work it out with them. I drag my self to sit in the hot sun to watch them play there sports and chauffeur them to piano and school activities. Yes sometimes its Dad, Yes sometimes I ask can you get a ride but I make the effort. One day there was so much to do school, gym, dr. appts, game, church  activity and pick up that last minute thing that they always forget to tell you until the last minute. I grabbed an energy Rockstar drink. Now in our faith with stay away from addictive type of things....coffee, tea, alcohol, drug, etc. well my son sees this and asked why are you drinking this. I say so I can do all I have to do today and still make your game.  Well those thing have caffeine, tea which are things I should stay away from and I say " Son I have too, my meds make me tired and I want to be there for you". He says mom I rather you miss my game and rest then drink that crap." Wow he was the parent. I got my lecture. I haven't had one since.

I put myself down all the time for the negative affects this illness has on my children but I believe....Things happen for a reason. My kids are great kids. They can handle most anything and are always there to even help mom. That is showing them compassion, understanding and learning to serve there fellow man...

What I am trying to get at is that kids can learn from this as much as you do and will come out better on the other end for it. I truly believe that with all my heart and soul. Maybe one of our kids will figure out a cure for this thing one day. Who knows...The possibilities are endless.

GOOD DAYS

I know the day isn't over but since about 9 last night. I feel free- good- amazing. What changesd  I realized the disagreements I had were over.  Whether the other parties felt that way or not. I found the answers I was seeking for my peace of mind. Believe it or not it started out with a Migraine and feeling lower than I had in a long time. Ya crazy huh. My last post was about limitations and not being a failure because all you wanted to accomplish in your day, was not done due to pain, migraines, or fatigue.  I considered deleting my facebook account. That did not go well with some of my family and friend. They rooted for me to stay to continue posting and blogging. One person said God was using me to speak and give comfort to people out there. I thought wow is she talking about me?.....no no no not me can't be but she was. I don't pretend to know everything about fibromyalsia but I do just say what I am feeling and if I even help one person I have accomplish my purpose with writing this blog. I can take compliments. It's OK. Doesn't mean you are "stuck up" if you do. Compliments make the worst days the best days. I went to bed. After making a last ditch effort to get through to this person. I told her about myself through some conversations  I had with another family member. Where I bore a very personal thing that occurred in my life. She suggested I tell this person. Then she might understand my fight and determination and why I do the thing I do. I haven't got a response since but that's OK. My husband came home and as I lay half asleep I felt him stoke my face. He loves me, He really loves me I thought. I got up migraine resuming but got the kids up and said "I trust you guys to get ready" and I went to lay down. Next thing I know my husband says. I taking the kids to school. WOW!. I slept and rest of the morning woken up to my visiting teacher from church. She the person assigned to me to check in on me every once in a while maybe even bring me a word of God but she just listened as I told her about everything and she was courteous, kind and thoughtful. Never judging me  and always very in tune with me. That why I love my Lord. He thinks of everything. Felt relief there to unload face to face with someone. Awesome. I picked up my kids, piano was cancelled and nothing else to do today except take all our church teenager to a scary corn maze and pumpkin patch. I always have fun with my Young Women and Men. They emanate youth and I will need that tonight.

So was It a good day? What do you think? I think a resounding YES! Peace, love, understanding, and being grateful for the little things...the small blessing. I was getting low wanting to give it all up and just hide in my room but even then someone...Everyone did not allow that to happen. 

Don't be afraid to lean on those in your lives or the ones that cross your path. Seek help, find peace where  you thought none could be found. Even the littlest things makes it worth it.

LIMITATIONS

So I am up! Woken up by the usual fleggle-hammer. I do my usual until my meds kick in. I check my email, facebook and now blog messages. I begin to realize how my evening went last night. I didn't eat dinner. I fell asleep telling my husband I'm sorry. As of late I have been out spoken of 2 very big things in my life. Things that touch me to the core. One is my Fleggle-hammer the other Is my Father. Which both of them have been under attack. I have voiced my opinions and concerns my bluntness and honestly and in turn surprised people in my lives that probably didn't think I had it in me. I guess I expected adult type responses and an agreement of disagreements but it was not so. The more I spoke the more people seem to come at me with double the force than the last time. Which brought up my last topic of venting. I still believe all I said but sometimes its just as affective to realize.... There is only so much we can do. The Following is a copy of my Facebook post from this Morning:

"

is thinking of everything that has been said in the last few days. I feel like I'm fighting some great battle to save the Universe. Like in one of those Sci-Fi movies But the truth is its not worth the argument. I have surprised a lot of people with my opinions and how I have been outspoken. I just really believe in the messages I want to send out. I want those people out there to know that although it seems that I am being unreasonable, I do respect your side of things I do. It wouldn't be fair for me not to. I just wanted to say that I will say no more. it's literally stressing me to the point its is affecting me physically and that in turn affect my family. They are more important to me than any opinion or cause. Stress triggers it the fleggle-hammer aka pain. I am no good to my family if I debilitated So before it gets that far..........Sorry for any hurt feeling. Truth is I truly love all those in my life past present and future. "

 

I then think of the past few years. How I realized that I have limitations. Things I could do before that I can't now. I have been humbled. I used to keep my house spotless, now I'm lucky to keep it looking decent. I've traded a paying job for a job focusing on my relationships children and my husband. I spend more time with my church and calling as Young Woman's secretary. I have realized dinner can come and be made by more than one person in my family left over night happens a lot in my home. So do I sit and linger on the fact that I am far from being super mom.(IF SUCH A MOM EVEN EXISTS) I'm good with just being mom and wife. I realized my relationships with my husband and kids is mush more important that anything else.

 

So how do I accomplish this....Yes you guessed it....by knowing my limitations, not hitting my triggers and just walking away from the fight. Oh don't get me wrong I will not stop blogging but the battles I face with other people right now I must walk away from for the sake of mine and my families sanity.

 

Keeping peace in my life is today's issue's. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but all I know is trying my hardest, I will. Continue to bring peace to you all and myself. I'm sure going to try.

 

Remember everyone Limitations do not mean failure. It just means you were strong enough to put your priorities in check.

Venting

 To vent or not to vent that is the question. I think its up to all of us. We put ourselves out there everytime we do.  We can hurt feeling or we can get our feelings hurt. So what take the risk. Put yourselves out there my fellow fleggle-hammers. Have courage be strong. Share. Don't keep what you have a secret......no no secrets means something is wrong or implies it. I say use your gut find the lords spirit within you to share yourself and your illness. He will tell you when the time is right and boy is he yelling at me right now.

A wonderful day I had. My husbands day off. We ran our errands had our weekly lunch date at McDonalds. All along feeling great but sure fire fleggles creep in but I continue with my day, find a seat sure enough and say its time for medication. Do I wallow for the fact that I make us stop what we are doing to get me feeling better....no we continue on. It a part of our lives. Thinking this day of coming and goings were sure to end in an evening in bed but they didn't. Well they did but not because of my fleggle-hammer because of personal struggles. People I might have hurt recently. I will say no more with that except I vented I was hurt I confronted that person....sooo hence the topic of today but it was enough that stress kicked in. That is one of my triggers.  I hope to have more for you tomorrow.
May the lord give you peace in your body and our crazy but not so crazy minds.

I BEGIN TO HEAL

What is Fleggle-Hammer? Fleggle-Hammer means "pain". I give this credit to my best friend Katie. I Facebook. I was up early, as usual, and took my meds waiting for meds to kick in, so I post, I am tired of saying the word "pain" I need a made up word. My Friend suggested this silly name that means nothing. I loved it.  So when I say it I smile and laugh because of how silly it sounds.  Trying to turn a negative to a positive. So that is the short history of "FLEGGLE-HAMMER".

I am Monica. I'm 35 years old. I suffers from fibromyalsia. In other words they don't know whats wrong with me.  It all started April of 2007. Thought I had the flu. Never went away. Fleggle-hammer intensified and became unbearable. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I couldn't even get out of bed. Luckily I was a stay-at-home mom. Unluckily I was a stay-at-home mom. After many doctors, tests, and meds(that made me gain 65 lbs), My family moved. It's 2 years later.
We moved back to our place of birth so I returned to my doctor that we loved. I end up seeing his daughter. She is so young....but she knows her stuff. She finally diagnosed me.  She listened to me. We found a new drug "Savella". It seams to be working along with other meds I take and I can live my life pretty mush interrupted. Just at a slower pace. I even started going to the gym and in the last year have lost a total of 37 lbs.

So why am I am blogging now after 3 1/2 years of pain. I had an interesting encounter with a person who suffers from arthritis. This person has suffered since he/she was a teenager. He/she is in her/his forties now. This person apparently was tired of reading my post about  my bout with fleggle-hammer. In there opinion I should suck it up and forget about it. I will get nothing from sharing this Fleggle-hammer. I will just get people tired of me and loose my friends. Well as you can probably assume I lost this friend/family member. I thought "NO!"  I will not stop. This is what is on my mind. This is what is always on my mind. I clean with this on my mind. I make dinner this is on my mind. I take my kids to school it is on my mind.....well you get it.  I know talking about it will not cure my illness. I figure mind over matter..I talk about it...my mind deals and if I blog it...I may help some people out while helping my self out too.

My hope is just that hope. Hope for a test that solidifies the illness and a hope for a cure. My hope mostly lies with the people around us. I want them to acknowledge it. I want people to know that there is not this mass hysteria of people making up this fleggle-hammer.  It is very real for those who suffer from it.

My day today good. See improvement. Had some fleggle's here and there but not enough to stop me. As I type my ring finger on my left hand is fleggling. So I consider it a good day.

I am a person of faith. So I end with a prayer for anyone who reads this. Anyone who suffers as I do. I pray that we will find peace.